So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
