i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
