He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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