I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
