The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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