This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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