Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This girl is more easily done than said...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
