I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
