Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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