it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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