I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
