meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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