i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize