When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
