I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
