I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
