you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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