Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
