I don't usually arrange sex via text message
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
