Kiss
Puke
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
