fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize