She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
