Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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