i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
