my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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