My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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