yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
