whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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