Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize