i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
