you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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