If that was your dad, he is hot
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
