I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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