I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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