I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't turn off my feet"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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