at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
