So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
