I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
