i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize