i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
