Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
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