you told grandpa to call you daddy
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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