Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
