He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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