I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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