It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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