Cold hands, warm shart.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
