I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize