so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
