He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
