it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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