I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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