When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
