I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
