Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
