She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
