Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
