Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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