I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
