Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
