Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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