someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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