My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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